November 12, 2008
I am sitting on my new bed in my new room listening to my new used Radiohead album. A chat room is pulled up on the Laptop. These men and women are online looking to touch and be touched through a series of wires and signals that are neither tangible nor warm. Is there love there? Or merely the sense of some kind of companionship? To not be alone. It is all so easy. I can't feel a soul I want to keep with me. It would just be for a moment, so what would be the point? Music is constant. It is bonbarding me right now. There is a particular song haunting me through the guitar, which still only has five and a partial strings.
I find myself looking for comforting things lately. X is leaving for L.A in March, and I am still here for another year due to the lease. I feel weak. Sometimes. I feel stupid. Maybe it's not a bad thing though, just to fuck someone for the fuck solely. I find it comforting. You both know why you're there. It's not awkward. I don't know what's going on with X. He says he doesn't like his penis to be touched. I don't see how that will work out.
I still don't eat as well as I should. Mostly TV dinners.